Shame: The Silent Killer of Connection for Men

Shame Emergency: call Stephanie P. Morgan, MFT

I do a lot of what I call "911 Therapy" for men. Guys, you know what I mean. You don't call me until the sh*t has really hit the fan. Maybe your partner has one foot out the door or your boss has you on her short list. You're drinking is out of hand, you've been watching wayyyyyy too much porn. You've forgotten what it means to be truly happy. When was the last time you felt satisfied? Fulfilled? Curious? Happy? Creative? On fire?

Most of the men I work with have a sense that they are missing something important, something they can't quite put their finger on but they know its holding them back from having the life they want.

The details are different for everyone but generally, it usually comes down to one simple concept.

Shame.

Stay with me, here. This a massive problem and you probably don't even know it because for you, this is how it always been. It's been part of the wallpaper, the air you breathe. You don't even know things could be better.

Healthy vs. Destructive Shame

Let's take a look at healthy vs. destructive shame. Shame isn't all bad. Healthy shame tells us when we are off track, out of our integrity. It's a yellow flag thrown on the field.

For instance, maybe you had a little (or lot) too much to drink one night out and drunk dialed your ex. You wake up in morning feeling a sense of shame (maybe you recognize it as "embarrassment"). This is healthy shame, it says "Oops! You got off track and did something that you don't feel good about." It provides a signal - one you can use to re-evaluate your actions, make amends, take responsibility and correct course.

Destructive shame is a pervasive feeling that you are not enough. You are not good enough, you are not smart enough, you are not successful enough, you are not a good enough partner, husband, friend, dad, son, or employee. Destructive shame says "You are fundamentally flawed in a way that makes you unlovable." Destructive shame tells us that love is conditional and if you were good enough, then you would be loved but you aren't... so you're not.

The Origins of Destructive Shame: How did this happen?

Destructive shame is the most insidious, corrosive, debilitating experience that a human being can have. This kind of shame literally makes you want to die. To drop into a hole in the earth and never show your face again. We've all been there.

Think of destructive shame like a cattle prod. It's use to steer you away from and toward certain behaviors. To control you. When a little boy gets hurt on the playground and runs to his mom crying, she says "You're fine! No need to cry. Get back out there and play!". ZAP! The message is "Your sad feelings are unacceptable." The boy remembers this and swallows his tears next time.

The next time and the next time and the next time he feels sad - he swallows his tears then too, until he literally disconnects with the experience of sadness. He can't even find the sad feelings when his dad dies or his best friend moves away.

It's not your fault.

Boys and girls, men and women are shamed differently and for different reasons. Today, let's talk about how shame is keeping you, a man, from living the life you want. Period.

I know, you're either like, "Shame? I don't have any shame! We don't need to talk about that. Move along, nothing to see here!". Or maybe you're like "Ugh, shame. That's the LAST thing I want to talk about, it brings up horrible....shame!".

I know, it's hard but it can also be liberating to identify and understand how shame is keeping your life small so you can actually do something to change it.

You've been shamed out of asking for help. Even if you were lucky enough to grow up in a emotionally intelligent family with great male role models for emotional awareness and expression, you are bombarded daily with negative messaging about what a "real man" acts like in the media, the workplace, from other men, and from women (even though they SAY they want you to be more sensitive and expressive).

Cultural ideas about masculinity and what it means to be a man, create enormous obstacles for you to have to try and overcome when seeking help for your mental or emotional health.

The deck stacked against you from the get go.

A lot of the men I see in my practice come to therapy for the first time when their partnership is on the brink of disaster. Maybe a separation is underway, divorce papers are being drawn up or worse, a messy custody battle has ensued.

I commend all of the men who have found their way to therapy at some point, any point in their life.

I always welcome 911 calls from men who have found the courage to reach out for help against the odds. I also want to make a pitch for normalizing mental and emotional wellness for men as a means of self-care before an emergency strikes. You go to the gym, try to eat right, see the doctor (on occasion) to take care of your physical health.

Find an experienced therapist to stay on top of your game mentally and emotionally. But if you didn't - there's no shame in reaching out when it hits the fan. I'll be here.